Legacy and an Hour Glass That's Running Out

   

I've always been fascinated by the idea of leaving a legacy behind. For me it's the thought that someone somewhere in some completely different realm of time and space might viscerally connect with something that I created and left a piece of my heart within. I think there are people who are unconsciously compelled to create. I think of them as people who walk through the world day after day and leave beauty everywhere they go. They are remarkably prolific with their calculated efforts, and yet effortlessly (or with the most minimal effort) create things that are attention-grabbing, entertaining and/or profound.

I've never thought of myself as one of these people. Every thing that I've done that's been even remotely creative has come because of some sort of internal struggle or some sort of projection onto the world at large. It comes infrequently and with many momentary bursts of steam that dissipate into discouraging lapses of effort. However, this way of thinking minimizes the efforts of the aforementioned creatives. It is not my interest to do anything but celebrate anyone creating art for art's sake. Anything wonderful or inspiring comes from intention, concentration, energy, and time.  The latter of that list is something that I regularly worry about because it seems to take so long for me to eke out any kind of meaningful work. 

I'll be 40 soon, and if I get 80 years out of this skin suit and bone chassis I'm quickly approaching the fifty yard line of mortality. With this sort of timeline in mind, I've spent close to half of my life planning to be productive. Telling myself that I will be productive. Thinking about what it would be like to be productive. As Henry Rollins famously put it, "Half of life is fucking up, the other half is dealing with it." I've come to the realization that whether I am prolific, or whether my creativity comes with large gaps in between, I feel a strong need to share the things that I create with the world. 

The sound of one's own voice alone in a room is fine for a while, but on some level, and at some point we all desire to share that voice and communicate our feelings with others no matter what we sound like. Even if it's only one other person. We all long to be accepted and understood, and this is why I have made a commitment to myself to spend 'the other half' dealing with the fact that I have procrastinated for far too long and put a stop to it. Acknowledging that there are things in my life that I still need to address and move on from. But mostly I will spend this other half of existence no longer telling myself that I should do the thing, but just doing the damn thing. 

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