A Conversation With Myself and a Reminder That Everything Is Incredible

 


The dissent inside my chest beats so loudly that I almost can't hear my thoughts. Some how, some way the most destructive ones routinely make it through. The regrets that I hold on to are only bested by the insatiable need to be heard and validated by total strangers and those that I love. And even in those moments of recognition I hear a voice in the back of my mind that encourages my thoughts to spiral, compels me to slink back into solitude and embrace the mediocrity that this voice says has always been me.

Letting self-control, self-image and dignity fall to the wayside I've carved years of turmoil out on my body. Oversaturated and under nurtured has been modus operandi for far too long. What happened to innocence? Where did pure joy go? It always seems so fleeting when it does arise. 

I know you. The best parts of you still beautifully exist. How you bring them out is not the same as it was 20 years ago, when you felt like you were at your best. In your early twenties you were young and in shape. You played in a band with your best friends and you knew romantic love because you had it. Life was so much less complicated then. This all seems to be the case for everyone in that era of their lives. But you're a different version of that person today. You've lived and learned. You've grown softer and opened your self up on an emotional level that would never have been remotely possible 20 years ago. In order to be a recipient of joy, you have to surrender the most destructive parts of yourself. You have to acknowledge the saboteur that lives inside of you and then actively decide that they no longer get to have influence. Most importantly, you need to be willing to be the recipient of joy in your life. Remember, everything is incredible, the problem is we always forget this fact. Joy resides in remembering to live mindfully inside of every moment, and never forgetting that every single beat of your heart has authenticity and significance. 

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